When most people hear the word “abuse,” they picture bruises, black eyes, and physical harm. However,  for many survivors, the deepest wounds are the ones no one can see. Abuse can wear a thousand masks: control disguised as love, fear hidden under silence, shame buried beneath manipulation. If you’ve ever doubted yourself, questioned your reality, or wondered why your boundaries were never enough, you are not alone.

This article is for you. For the ones who’ve survived in silence. For the ones who are still trying to figure out if what they went through “counts.” Spoiler: it does.

Let’s break it down, – clearly, honestly, and with real-life examples so you can name what happened and begin reclaiming your truth.

1. Emotional / Psychological Abuse

This form of abuse wears down your self-worth, often slowly and subtly.

Examples:

• Constant criticism or name-calling
• Gaslighting (e.g., “I never said that,” when they did)
• Shaming your emotions: “You’re too sensitive.”
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Threatening self-harm if you leave
• Accusing you of cheating without cause
• Giving you the silent treatment as punishment
• Making you ask permission for basic things
• Tracking your location and getting angry if you go somewhere unannounced

Story: Anna stopped seeing her sister because her partner would sulk or accuse her of “abandoning” him. He tracked her phone and would call repeatedly if she didn’t answer. Over time, she stopped going out altogether. Not because she wanted to—but because she was afraid.

Story: Carlos’s partner constantly made jokes at his expense in front of others. When he brought it up, she’d laugh and say, “You’re so sensitive. I was just playing.” Over time, he stopped speaking up, afraid of being labeled dramatic.

2. Verbal Abuse

Words can be weapons.

Examples:

• Screaming, yelling
• Name-calling or insults
• Mocking your voice or beliefs
• Using sarcasm to humiliate
• Threatening to expose your private life

Story: Jay’s partner would shout, “You’re useless, just like your dad,” whenever they disagreed. At first it shocked him. Later, he believed it.

Story: Every time Marisol tried to express a need or frustration, her boyfriend would cut her off, yell, and say she was “nagging like a bitch.” Eventually, she stopped talking about her feelings altogether, telling herself it wasn’t worth the fight.

3. Mental Manipulation / Coercive Control

This is about owning your mind.

Examples:

• Denying your reality (gaslighting)
• Rewriting past events
• Interrogating your every move
• Controlling access to information or essentials
• Undermining your decision-making

Story: When Maya asked about their finances, her husband called her paranoid. He controlled all the accounts and mocked her when she asked questions. She began doubting her instincts.

Story: Dylan’s girlfriend would accuse him of lying about where he was—even when he showed her receipts. When he confronted her, she’d burst into tears and say, “I just care so much. Why don’t you understand that?” He began second-guessing himself constantly, unsure of what was real anymore.

4. Financial Abuse

Abuse that traps you through money.

Examples:

• Taking your paycheck or controlling all finances
• Forcing you to ask for money
• Not allowing you to work
• Racking up debt in your name
• Withholding money for basic needs

Story: Deja’s partner insisted she quit her job to “focus on the family,” then gave her an allowance and accused her of being “ungrateful” whenever she asked for more. She felt imprisoned in her own home.

Story: Nina started a side business selling handmade jewelry, but her husband insisted all earnings go into his account since “he pays the real bills.” When she resisted, he called her selfish and accused her of hiding money. She stopped making jewelry altogether.

5. Digital / Technological Abuse

Power and control through screens.

Examples:

• Demanding constant texts and updates
• Using GPS to monitor you
• Reading your emails, messages
• Sharing or threatening to share intimate content
• Cutting off access to devices
  

Story: Sam’s ex demanded the password to all his accounts and would log in “just to check.” When Sam changed his password, she accused him of cheating. Once, she posted from his social media pretending to be him, just to “teach him a lesson.”

Story: Alyssa thought it was sweet when her boyfriend wanted to “stay connected all the time.” But soon, it became a rule: she had to respond to texts immediately or he’d accuse her of ignoring him. If she didn’t share her location, he’d blow up her phone until she did. Once, when she left her laptop open, he installed tracking software without telling her. When she found out and confronted him, he said, “If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t matter.” She started censoring everything—even her thoughts—just to keep the peace.

. Medical / Reproductive Coercion

Controlling your body, your health, your choice.

Examples:

• Refusing to use birth control or sabotaging it
• Pressuring pregnancy
• Withholding medications or doctor access
• Dismissing pain or symptoms

Story: After an IUD insertion, Tara’s partner told her she’d “ruined their future.” He later refused to drive her to doctor’s appointments. She hid her symptoms for months.

Story: Lena’s partner threw away her birth control pills and told her, “If we’re meant to be, you’ll get pregnant.” When she confronted him, he claimed it was a sign of “true love.” She didn’t feel loved—she felt trapped.

7. Threats / Intimidation

Fear as a method of control.

Examples:

• Threatening to take children away
• Threatening to harm themselves or others
• Breaking objects during arguments
• Using weapons to scare you

Story: Every time Zoe brought up leaving, her partner would slam a fist into the wall just inches from her head. “See what you make me do?” he’d say. She started staying quiet—not because she agreed, but because she was scared.

Story: Marcus’s partner never hit him—but she didn’t have to. When they argued, she would grab his phone and hold it over water, threatening to destroy it. She once stood in the doorway with his keys in her hand and said, “Try to leave and see what happens.” She never followed through, but the message was clear: stay in line, or else. Over time, Marcus stopped speaking up, not because he didn’t have something to say, but because it no longer felt safe to say it.

8. Isolation

Cutting you off from everyone else.

Examples:

• Discouraging relationships with friends or family
• Moving far away from your support system
• Creating drama to drive wedges between you and others
• Refusing to let you go to therapy or church

Story: Luis slowly realized he hadn’t seen his best friend in two years. Every time he made plans, his partner would pick a fight or guilt him into canceling.

Story: Tariq’s girlfriend convinced him to quit his job and move across the country for “a fresh start.” Once they arrived, she discouraged him from contacting anyone back home. “They don’t care about you like I do.” Weeks later, he realized he had no one left to call.

9. Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is never about sex—it’s about power. You can be sexually abused by someone you’re in a relationship with. You can be raped by a spouse! Consent must be clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing.

Examples:

• Coercion into sex (“If you loved me, you would…”)
• Being touched without consent
• Being forced into acts that make you uncomfortable
• Having sex while asleep, intoxicated, or unable to consent
• Ignoring “no” or guilt-tripping you into saying “yes”

Story: Sophie’s husband insisted sex was his “right.” He’d pressure her when she was sick, exhausted, or even crying. She told herself it wasn’t rape because they were married. It was.

Story: Erin didn’t want to be intimate after giving birth, but her husband said she was “starving him.” He’d pout or ignore her for days if she said no. Eventually, she gave in—just to keep the peace. It didn’t feel like consent. It felt like survival.

Healing Is Possible

If you recognize yourself in any of these stories or patterns—you are not imagining it. You are not overreacting. And you are not alone.

Even if it’s been months or years since the abuse occurred, you can begin healing. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy approach often used to treat the impact of trauma, including long-term abuse. It can help you:

• Process confusing or painful memories
• Separate your truth from the lies you were told
• Reclaim your sense of safety, autonomy, and identity

You do not have to keep carrying what was never yours to hold.

How to Get Help

• Tell someone safe. A friend, therapist, DV advocate, or hotline.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• Seek therapy. Trauma-informed therapy can help you untangle what happened and begin building safety in your body and relationships again.

“You are not the things that happened to you. You are the fire that walked through it—and lived.”

You’re Out—But Now What?

Healing From Abuse Outside of Therapy

Leaving an abusive relationship is not the end of the journey—it’s the beginning of another one. When the dust settles, and the constant stress is gone, many survivors are left with something unexpected: anxiety, confusion, guilt, and a lingering sense that they’re still not safe.

That’s because abuse rewires the nervous system. It teaches your brain to stay on high alert, even when you’re free. It teaches your body to flinch at love, question safety, and expect punishment for peace.

But healing is possible—even outside of therapy. Here are some tangible, self-guided steps to begin reclaiming your sense of safety, self, and peace.

1. Name What Happened—Without Minimizing It

Survivors often struggle with phrases like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “At least they didn’t hit me.” This is a trauma response—minimizing pain is how we learned to survive it.

📌 Try this instead:

Write down exactly what happened. No filters. No excuses. Just the facts. Read it back. Remind yourself: This happened. It was real. It matters.

You don’t have to justify your pain to anyone—not even yourself.

2. Create a “Safety Ritual” for Your Body

Even after you’re physically safe, your body might not feel safe. That’s because your nervous system is still bracing for the next blow, threat, or guilt trip.

📌 Try this:

Every day, do something to signal safety to your body:

•Wrap yourself in a blanket and say, “I am safe now.”

•Light a candle, play calming music, and breathe deeply for 2 minutes.

•Place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach and say, “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

Repetition builds new pathways. Over time, your body learns to relax without being on guard.

3. Set Micro-Boundaries to Rebuild Self-Trust

Abuse teaches us that our “no” doesn’t matter. That we’re too much, too emotional, too selfish. Relearning boundaries starts with small promises to yourself.

📌 Try this:

•Don’t answer that text right away.

•Say no to plans that feel draining.

•Choose what you want to eat today—without explaining why.

Every small boundary you honor rebuilds the belief that your needs deserve respect.

4. Challenge the Inner Critic with Curiosity

If you’ve been manipulated or gaslit, your inner voice might sound like your abuser. Harsh. Doubting. Dismissive.

📌 Try this:

When you catch a critical thought like, “I’m so stupid,” pause and ask:

•Whose voice is that really?

•Would I say this to a friend who’s healing?

•What do I actually need right now—compassion or punishment?

Over time, your inner dialogue can shift from abusive echoes to your own truth.

5. Make Space for Grief, Even If You “Chose” to Leave

It’s okay to miss someone who hurt you. It’s okay to grieve a relationship that made you suffer. Abuse often comes in cycles—hurt, apologize, hope, repeat. You’re not grieving just a person—you’re grieving what you hoped it could be.

📌 Try this:

Write a letter you don’t send. Light a candle and cry. Say, “I miss you, but I miss me more.”

Grief is not weakness. It’s proof that you’re still soft, still open, still human.

6. Reconnect With Your Senses

Abuse detaches us from our bodies. Derealization, dissociation, numbness—it’s all survival. But healing lives in reconnection.

📌 Try this:

•Touch: Hold something textured (stone, cloth, warm mug).

•Smell: Use essential oils or a favorite scent.

•Sound: Play grounding music, nature sounds, or calming affirmations.

•Sight: Surround yourself with colors or images that make you feel safe.

•Taste: Eat slowly and notice flavors—bring yourself back into your body.

7. Create a “Truth List” to Ground Yourself

Abusers often twist reality. Even long after leaving, survivors can question what’s real.

📌 Try this:

Make a short, powerful list of truths. Post it where you’ll see it. Example:

•I did not deserve to be mistreated.

•My feelings are valid.

•I am not crazy—I was hurt.

•I am healing, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

When anxiety creeps in, read your truths aloud like armor.

8. Avoid the Urge to Rush Your Healing

Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel free, light, empowered. Other days you’ll feel angry, exhausted, confused. That doesn’t mean you’re going backward—it means you’re processing.

📌 Try this:

Give yourself permission to rest. To not “make sense” today. To heal at your own pace.

This isn’t about fixing yourself. You were never broken. This is about coming home to yourself.

You’re Allowed to Heal

You don’t need therapy to start healing (though it can help). What you need is space. Safety. Support. And time.

You’re not behind. You’re not doing it wrong. You are undoing years of fear, control, and silence.

And in their place, you are building something sacred:

•A voice that isn’t afraid to speak.

•A body that knows peace.

•A heart that belongs to you.

You survived. Now, you get to live.