How to Stop an Emotional Spiral: Tools to Ground Yourself and Process Overwhelming Feelings
Emotional spiraling can feel like being caught in a mental whirlwind. One moment you’re slightly upset, and the next, you’re overwhelmed by a cascade of thoughts and emotions. Whether triggered by rejection, shame, fear, or even unexpected joy, emotional spirals are part of being human. But there are ways to manage them. This article will explore why spiraling happens, how to sit with uncomfortable emotions, and provide actionable steps and tools to help you regulate and process your feelings.
Why We Emotionally Spiral
Emotional spiraling happens when one thought or feeling triggers a chain reaction of increasingly intense emotions. This is often due to:
– Cognitive distortions (e.g., catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking)
– Unmet core needs (e.g., for connection, safety, validation)
– Unprocessed past trauma
– Secondary emotions (e.g., feeling ashamed about being sad)
Example Triggers:
– A friend doesn’t text back, and you spiral into fears of abandonment.
– You make a small mistake at work and suddenly feel like a complete failure.
– Your partner seems distant, and your mind fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
Understanding Secondary Emotions
Primary emotions are the first natural responses (e.g., fear, sadness), while secondary emotions are reactions to our feelings (e.g., anger about feeling helpless).
Example:
– You feel **fear** about a big change in your life.
– You then feel **anger** because you don’t want to feel afraid.
Recognizing the **primary emotion** underneath the surface can help you address the true issue rather than reacting to the secondary emotional layer.
Key Insight:
Anger often masks sadness or fear. Ask: “What is my anger protecting me from feeling?”
What now? How do I stop it ?
Here are 2 different sets of steps you can take. Do them as groups or mix and match, just find which ones work best with you.
Step 1: Name It to Tame It
The first step is to identify what you’re feeling. You might be feeling multiple emotions at once, and that’s okay.
> “I feel anxious, and underneath that, I think I feel afraid of being rejected.”
Use an emotion wheel or app like Moodnotes to expand your emotional vocabulary.
Step 2: The Downward Arrow Technique
This CBT-based tool helps uncover the core belief driving the emotion.
1. Identify a distressing thought: “I’m not good enough.”
2. Ask: “If that were true, what would that mean about me?”
3. Keep asking until you reach a core belief (e.g., “I’m unlovable”).
This process helps you notice patterns and challenge distorted beliefs.
Step 3: Sit With It (Emotional Tolerance)
When emotions are intense, our instinct is to escape. But avoiding feelings often prolongs the spiral.
Tips for sitting with emotions:
– Set a timer for 2-5 minutes to feel the emotion fully.
– Describe the sensation: “Tight chest, shallow breathing, hot face.”
– Remind yourself: “This is just a feeling. It will pass.”
– Use grounding techniques: 5-4-3-2-1 senses, breathwork, holding ice.
Step 4: Reframe the Narrative
Challenge the thoughts fueling the spiral.
– “Is this thought 100% true?”
– “What would I tell a friend who felt this way?”
– “What is another possible explanation?”
Example:
> “They didn’t respond because they’re mad at me” becomes
> “They might be busy or overwhelmed.”
Step 5: Use Externalization Tools
Get the feelings out of your head and onto something tangible.
– Journal freely: Let your thoughts spill out without judgment.
– Draw or create a feelings map.
– Voice memo your stream of consciousness.
Step 6: Engage in Regulating Activities
Once you’ve named and sat with the emotion, regulate your nervous system.
– Movement (walk, stretch, dance)
– Cold water (splash face, shower)
– Weighted blanket or pressure touch
– Talking to a safe person
Additional Actionable Steps for Emotional Spirals
1. Name the Story, Then Name the Need
– Identify the internal narrative driving the spiral, then ask what core emotional need is going unmet (e.g., safety, connection, control).
2. Do the Opposite of the Urge
– When your instinct is to isolate, reach out. When you want to lash out, pause and self-soothe. Secure behaviors challenge reactivity.
3. 3-Point Secure Anchor Practice – Combine:
– A grounding object or sensation (e.g., hold a stone, feel your feet)
– A secure statement (e.g., “I can handle this”)
– Breath regulation (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 6)
4. Text-but-Hold Exercise
– Write the message you want to send, but don’t send it. Review it after calming down to reflect or revise.
5. “What If I’m Wrong?” Thought Reversal
– For every anxious assumption, ask: “What if this fear is incorrect?” Create at least one secure or neutral interpretation.
6. Record a Secure Message to Yourself
– Use your calm voice to record affirmations or reminders (e.g., “This won’t last forever,” “You’re not alone”) to play back when distressed.
7. Safe Delay Strategy
– Create a rule like: “I will wait 20 minutes before acting or responding when emotionally activated.” This protects relationships while honoring your inner world.
**Common Emotional Spirals & Grounding Responses**
1. Fear of rejection → Affirm your self-worth and name your fear: “I am safe even if someone doesn’t respond how I hope.”
2. Shame after making a mistake → Self-compassion phrases: “I’m human. Mistakes are how I learn.”
3. Conflict with a partner → Pause, self-soothe, then return to the conversation when calm.
4. Overwhelm from to-do list → Break tasks into parts, ask what’s urgent vs. what’s perfectionism.
5. Social media comparison→ Log off, remind yourself social media is a highlight reel.
Now, to Grow
After a spiral, the most important step is reflection—not with shame or judgment, but with curiosity and care. When we understand what led to our emotional reaction, we build self-awareness and resilience. Here’s how to do it.
Start with: “Cause and Effect”
This means looking at what happened and how it made you feel—without labeling it as good or bad.
Example: Presenting Problem:
“I lost my temper, and now everyone thinks I’m crazy.”
Instead of spiraling into shame, pause and dig deeper:
Downward Arrow:
What does that thought mean about me? – “It means I’m unstable and not worth respecting.”
Let’s explore that belief using cause and effect.
Cause and Effect Reflection (Nonjudgmental)
What happened?
Andrew’s boss blamed him for a project delay—even though Andrew worked overtime and the team was understaffed.
What emotion did it trigger?
Anger.
Let’s break it down:
Anger is often a secondary emotion rooted in fear or sadness.
Fear: “What if I get fired? The job market is terrible. I’ll be stuck and powerless.”
Sadness: “What if I really am not respected or valued? That thought makes me feel defeated.”
So the true emotional cause:
When Andrew feels trapped, disrespected, and powerless, it triggers anger outbursts.
(Notice: this reflection doesn’t include judgment—just understanding.)
Now Try: “Good, What Did I Learn?”
Use this to pull insight from the experience:
“When I feel disrespected or powerless, I get angry.”
“Anger is how I try to protect myself when I feel unsafe emotionally.”
What’s needed next time? A boundary.
(See the Boundary article in the Resource Library for more on this.)
Closing Thoughts
Emotional spirals are not a sign that something is wrong with you. They’re signals that something inside you needs attention. By learning how to recognize, tolerate, and work through your feelings, you can reduce the intensity of spirals and return to a grounded state faster.